The Passing Years-33Full Circle

Chapter theme: Death Cab for Cutie-Passenger Seat

Vanessa Carlton-Home

The moon was a pale smudge on the night sky and scattered all around her were stars to keep her company.The song of the ocean swept over the night air like a loud steady heartbeat.

Bella trailed her eyes over the blurry images outside the passenger window and felt…

“Jake.”

“Hmm?”

“I’d like to go to the beach.”

A moment passed and Bella realized that he hadn’t answered her, so she tore her eyes from the window and looked at him. Jacob kept his eyes on the road with one hand on the steering wheel and the other folded over his open window. He should’ve looked relax, but her eyes noted the rigidity of his shoulders, the tightness around his eyes and the tight grip he had on the steering wheel.

“Jake?”

His eyes flickered, but still he didn’t look at her. “The beach it is.”

Bella wanted to ask what was wrong, but her mind was busy with what she had gleaned from the pack in these last two days.

When they parked, they walked side by side along the sand to their usual spot, which miraculously still looked the same, complete with birch tree. She couldn’t count how many times she had dreamt about being here with him, just sitting and talking and watching the sun set and rise. 

Bella tried to focus her buzzing mind, so she didn’t realize that he hadn’t touched her at all. She sat on her side of the tree and waited for him to do the same, but he merely stood and loomed beside her, staring at her with those dark, dark eyes. She tilted her head in question.

He didn’t answer her implied question, instead he said, “You’re going to be cold. I’ll build a fire.”

Before she could say anything, he was already gone, and she was left alone in the dark.

He didn’t take long, but his absence was enough to make her question what she was about to do. She second-guessed, third-guessed and even fourth-guessed, but some things just weren’t made to be guessed at. She kept her eyes on Jacob as he built the fire with quick, efficient movements. The first lick of fire made shadows dance across his silhouette as if it was anxious to please him. 

She knew the feeling.

If Bella hadn’t known there was something wrong with him, she did now, because rather than take his usual seat beside her, he sat across the fire from her. Suddenly, despite the fire, she felt cold.

She tried to read his mood, his eyes, but all she could see was his blank Alpha face and the reflection of fire in the depth of his eyes.

“Don’t do that.”

The sharpness in his voice jerked her away from her gloomy thoughts. He still wasn’t looking at her. “Do what?”

Jacob flicked his eyes at her stomach and when she looked down she realized that she had folded her arms around herself, a tell-tale gesture from long ago. She pulled her hands away and gripped them on her lap. 

She heard him make a sound at the back of his throat. “Don’t torture yourself over it. It’s not your fault if you can’t—” His voice trembled, then faded.

Bella frowned. “What do you—” Then she saw it. When Jacob’s eyes lifted and met hers, she saw the ocean of misery and the storm of pain.

“Bella, if you want to break my heart, just make it quick.” Jacob’s mouth pressed together and his eyes darted around, looking at everything but her. “I knew these past two days were too good to be true.” A small bruised smile curved his lips. “You even said that you love me and kissed me without my prompting.”

Bella gaped at him, her eyes wide. “You think I want to—to break up with you?”

She remembered a time where she asked a variation of that question and my, she thought, how strangely things can go full circle.

His eyes flicked back to hers. “Aren’t you?”

She shook her head, quickly, frantically, eager to reassure him. Hated that he even thought of it.“No. No. Of course not. I only—I think that we need some—” She tried to get her mouth around the words, but a second later, her mouth was too busy kissing him.

He knelt on the sand in front of her, his torso wedged between her knees and his hands trapped her head so he could crush her mouth with his. Bella should protest, she wanted—needed—to talk, needed to set things clear once and for all, but all she could think of was mmmm.

His breath washed over her, fresh, and it was sweet with toothpaste and the tangerine they had shared in the car. The way he touched his mouth to hers was just sinful. She was aware of someone making soft, begging noises and realized that it was probably her, but really, did she care?

For one thing, Jacob needed to know how she felt about him, and if that made her an insatiable hussy, so be it. She slid down to his lap and thrust her hands inside the collar of his T-shirt so she could touch his naked shoulders, and when she pressed her nails against the muscles that wrapped around his shoulders, he retaliated with a sharp bite on her bottom lip.

She loved him and he loved her, probably more than anybody should ever love someone…and she wanted that love, wanted him, wanted the goodness that he represented in her life, wanted him because he was…he was Jacob, and that name had meant all kinds of things inside her heart and mind.

The low groan that vibrated along his chest and up his throat made her stomach twist. In a good way. She should be embarrassed that when he pulled away, he had to forcefully detach her arms—not to mention her thighs—from his body. He set her firmly on the tree, a rueful smile curving on his lips even as he pressed one, two kisses on her pouty lips.

Bella coughed and licked her lips, which only made him feel obliged to press another kiss on her lips, and the gesture made her smile. Her skin was still humming and she could swear her eyes would be glowing right now, but she rolled her shoulders, trying to settle her mind and body. She coughed again when her voice broke, “What was that for?”

Jacob chuckled. “For not breaking up with me.”

Bella frowned, still unclear on why he would think that way, but he shook his head. 

“And I just had to get it out the way. I’ve been itching to do that for hours.”

A belated flush flooded Bella’s face. “Oh.”

They met each other’s eyes and Bella felt her skin fairly sizzle, the hand on her face slid into her hair and settled on the nape of her neck, his fingers brushing gently on smooth, sensitive skin. “Bells?”

Her lips barely moved. “Yes?”

“You still want to talk?” He rasped, his eyes lowering to her mouth.

No. Bella swallowed. Hard. “Yes.”

The fingers on her nape fluttered to her collarbone. “Is it important?”

She folded her itching hands on her lap and squeezed them to bring her mind back in order. “Yes.”

Jacob watched her lips form the word and sighed. Might as well, he thought. Now that he knew she wasn’t breaking up with him, he could let her have her say. “Then I’ll just get back to my seat.”

He hid a smile at the disappointed look on her face. She looked so luscious with her face flushed, her mouth wet and swollen, and her small hands folded on her lap. If he sat beside her, he couldn’t trust himself not to employ the numerous distraction techniques that went with having a secret life in a close-knit reservation to steer her away from whatever it was she wanted to talk about.

So he sat across from her and behaved. Or at least tried to.

“Your scar—” She started, and Jacob’s mood darkened. Damn nosy girls.

“It’s not your fault, Bells. It’s mine. Next topic.”

She frowned at him, but followed his lead. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell—” 

“Yes, it was wrong not to tell me that you were still alive, and yes, you had your reasons. I thought we were over that. Next topic.”

“What if you imprint?”

He expected the question, but it still felt like a blow to the stomach. He wanted to shrug it off and deny that it would ever happen to him, but…

“Maybe I will imprint. Maybe I won’t. But what does it matter, when you’re the one I choose to love?”

“But Emily and Sam, Kim and Jared—” 

“I’m not them.”

“I know, you’re Alpha, but doesn’t that mean that you’ll be more susceptible?”

“Maybe. That’s a possibility.” 

Bella cringed, can’t he just lie to me?

“What about you?”

Bella blinked. “What about me?”

“What if the vampire comes back?” From the look on her face, he could tell that his question probably also felt like a blow to the stomach. She almost looked green. “Unless you’re still in contact with whatshername, we won’t know what’ll happen in the future. And you know what? As long as I have you with me, as long as I can love you and have you love me back, I’m good.”

Bella’s eyes didn’t waver from his face, and she could see that he meant it, and when he smiled at her, the smile was that of man who knew what he wanted. Of course, she already knew that. Jacob always knew what he wanted, and for some insane, inscrutable reason, he had always and still wanted her.

“You’re the one I want, Bella.” He answered as if he was following her thoughts. “Besides, these four years, it wasn’t as if I was holed up in my garage. Between my father and the pack, I think they’ve paraded almost all of the Quileute girls in front of my nose.”

Bella blinked in shock. “What?”

“I was moping. They thought if I only imprint, it would be better for me. But I didn’t.” He rubbed his forehead. “If I was so easily… lured away, I would’ve done that long ago, but I didn’t. If what I felt for you was infatuation or something that could disappear with time or…some sort of werewolf magic, it would have gone long before this.”

She wasn’t quite sure what she felt about knowing that the pack had shoved lines of girls in front of Jacob’s face. 

He smiled at her, and the smile was amused and mischievous as if he knew what she was thinking. “Let’s face it, Bells. You’re stuck with me.”

He tilted his head when she merely stared at him, her eyes big with sadness and hope and a willingness to believe. “If you’re still worried, there is one way to make sure that I won’t ever imprint.”

“What?”

“I stop.”

She blinked, “Stop what?” Her heart twisted. “You mean stop phasing?”

“Yeah.”

The fire crackled and spurted out glowing cinders that danced in the air.

Bella finally felt her heart start beating again. “You can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“You’re Alpha.”

He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. Any one of the pack can replace me. Besides, it’s not like I won’t have company.”

Bella had to pick up her jaw from the sand. “Who?”

“Leah.”

“Leah is stopping too?”

Jacob grinned. “Yeah, we’ll entertain ourselves with who’s gonna succeed first.”

Bella wanted it. Wanted it so much. He’ll be safe, he’ll be hers, but...

“You can’t. They need you. Especially with Leah leaving the pack.”

“You need me.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “And don’t bother denying it.”

She wasn’t planning to. “I do, but…I can’t take you away from them.”

“Bella—” 

“No. Jake, you like being a werewolf. You like to run – I see it in your face – and you love the pack. You love being able to protect the tribe, I can’t let you do this. I won’t.”

“Even if it means that someday I’ll imprint?”

Tears blurred her eyes at the thought of Jacob leaving her, of Jacob forgetting her. “Yes.” Her chest ached at the thought, at the thought of him not loving her, but…“I’d rather have you for a little while than not have you at all.”

He stared at her for what seemed to be years, but then something like wonder and awe shifted over his face. “You really do love me, don’t you?”

“What kind of a question is that?” Her temper streaked through her sadness. “Weren’t you the one who always nagged that I really, really love you, but I just don’t know it yet?”

Jacob couldn’t help it, seeing her with her eyes shimmery with tears, but her whole demeanor stiff with insult really got to him, he snickered. He dodged the handful of sand she threw at him.

He definitely enjoyed the way she screeched, “Jacob Black, if you don’t know by now that I love you, you won’t know it a million years from now.”

She looked so stricken by his doubt that he couldn’t help but streak to her side and gather her onto his lap. She sat stiffly, but didn’t fight his hold, only softening when he stroked her back and nuzzled her neck.

She smelt fantastic; a mingling of sweat, salt, spice and something that was distinctly her. He curved a smile against her skin when a shiver took her body when he pressed kisses along her neck. She sighed heavily in surrender before melting against him and drew him in her arms, her fingers tunneling into his hair. Softly, so softly that it was more like a breath than sound, she said, “Jacob, I love you.”

It wasn’t supposed to be possible, he thought. His heart, his mind, his soul were already too full with her, but as her words and sighs trembled in the air, his heart seemed to expand to take in more of her; her rapid heartbeat, the smoothness of her pale skin, the heavy drape of her hair, and the tears he could hear laced within her words. His throat clutched and he held her harder, tighter against his body.

“Say it again.”

She pressed her lips on his temple and repeated her declaration, “I love you.”

His heart shuddered. He shuddered. Everything inside him seemed to burst out with those three words. He had never wanted anything, anybody, like he had wanted Bella. And now she was in his arms, safe and finally, finally, his. And with the layers of happiness, sadness and, strangely, grief twisting around inside him, it was with overwhelming fear that he asked, “We’re really doing this?”

Bella froze at his question and her heart clenched painfully. Questions jumbled up inside her head, several variations of ‘was I too late?’ before she finally summoned up the courage to ask, “Don’t you want to?”

A hot breath misted over her neck as Jacob laughed. “Bells, I want this so much. Too much. I’ve wanted this for far too long and now that it’s finally happening I’m just kind of—”

“Scared?”

Jacob lifted his face from her neck and leveled his eyes to hers. “Yeah.”

Bella looked into his eyes and did see fear there, but also the glow of love and affection and a slow unfurling joy. Her eyes welled up and, maybe, there were tears in his eyes too. “I’m scared too.” She admitted. Their foreheads met and their eyes closed and, as if someone had fed them the line, at the same time they said, “But we’ll be together.”

Their eyes blinked open and met for a heartbeat or two before a smile inched over their lips up to their eyes as they continued to hold each other.

“Together.” Jacob whispered into her lips and she whispered it back into his. “Together.”

The waves washed back toward the sand in complete harmony with the soft promise.